


this is what I brought you, this you can keep

by Cashay



Category: Avengers (Marvel) - All Media Types, The Avengers (2012)
Genre: Angst, Forgiveness, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Mental Instability, Not Beta Read, Stalking, Unrequited Love
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-01-20
Updated: 2013-01-20
Packaged: 2017-11-26 06:39:47
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,358
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/647665
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Cashay/pseuds/Cashay
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Clint and Tony agreed on sex without any strings attached or feelings involved and for once in Clint's life things were actually good. So of course Clint had to go and fall in love with Tony.</p>
            </blockquote>





	this is what I brought you, this you can keep

**Author's Note:**

  * For [Synnerxx](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Synnerxx/gifts).



> This is for Synnerxx for the Christmas Exchange over at the Multifandom Exchange Community on LJ. I know it's late and I'm sorry for that. Still, I wish you all the good things for 2013 you certainly deserve them! I'm really blessed to know you and I hope you enjoy your gift!
> 
> The title is taken from _Prelude 12/12_ by _AFI_.

Clint remembered the exact moment when he realized that he had broken the agreement Tony and he had made. It was late one night and for the first time since they had started their little arrangement Clint had fallen asleep in Tony's bed instead of returning to his own.

Which in itself wasn't the problem, because Tony had invited him to his bed more than once. The problem was that the next morning Clint woke curled around Tony with a silly grin plastered across his face.

That was the moment when he knew. When they had started sleeping together the two of them had agreed that there would never be any feelings involved. Their arrangement was merely forged so that both of them could get their rocks of without having to worry that their sex partner was either there to kill them or to spy on them. And Clint knew that at least one of the women that had tried to get into his pants since the formation of the Avengers had not been an enemy spy but instead one from SHIELD.

That they actually liked each other was definitely a plus.

It had worked out perfectly. While Clint didn't exactly lack in experience Tony had a lot more of it. And Clint had been more than happy to revisit some of Tony's favorite kinks and try out some of his own.

And now he had managed to do the most stupid thing in the history of the world and fallen in love with his fuck-buddy. Seriously, could his life be any more like a Hollywood movie?

His first reaction had been to get out of the room and away from Tony before he could do something overly stupid. Clint had been more than a bit relieved when Tony hadn't woken up, that would leave him with more time to find an excuse for leaving the room without morning sex. Because Tony would ask about that.

And here he was now, back in his own room after a too cold shower, sitting on his bed and trying to come up with a solution. Some way to make all of this go away or maybe keep Tony from noticing.

Except that lying and deception was something he wouldn't - couldn't - do. Back when he was younger and had only just realized he had found a family in Natasha and Phil he had sworn to himself that the tricks of the trade, the things he used so easily every day in the field, would never make their way into his relationship with the only people that cared about him.

That promise had now extended to include the Avengers. And while it wasn't always easy it was worth it to be honest. At least most of the time. It wasn't something he always managed, after all he was only human and lying to protect someone's feeling or to protect himself was something he couldn't stop doing completely.

But he never engaged in the kind of deception that he and Nat used to make a mark do whatever they wanted.

And hiding his true feelings from Tony, making him believe things that weren't true? That was exactly the kind of thing he had sworn himself never to do to his family.

So that was it, there was no further thinking needed was there? He knew what to do even though he really wished he didn't have to. Things were good, they were comfortable.

He should have known it wouldn't last.

**~*~**

Clint hadn't bothered with telling Tony they needed to talk and setting up a date for them to meet. He was just going to wait for the next time that Tony asked him to share his bed - asking for that himself wasn't an option anymore - and tell it to him then.

There was no need to disturb the peace they had right now because of his feelings. It was only a matter of time until the next alien invasion or the next crazy scientist came along and they all needed the rest.

Sadly it was only two days later that Tony send him a text with a time. Though Clint wished he could postpone it he answered with an affirmative.

While he was glad that he would finally have it over and done with he also realized that things would change and he didn't want them too. It was nice the way it was right now.

And while he knew he was setting himself up for heartbreak he really didn't want to stop having sex with Tony either. It was something he had come to greatly enjoy. He had buried his feelings before, more times than he cared to remember. So why shouldn't he do it this time?

His rule about no deception applied only to others anyway. He had never said a thing about not lying himself.

**~*~**

Clint knocked on the door despite the fact that he knew it was kind of pointless. JARVIS made sure to always let people know who was on the door and what they wanted. Though he had refrained from articulating exactly what Tony wanted to do when he came to Clint's door ever since Clint had threatened to destroy every single one of JARVIS' cameras that he could find.

Tony opened the door with much enthusiasm and pulled Clint inside and into a kiss. He liked to do that and it had taken some time for Clint to get used to it and clamp down on his first instinct - which was to break Tony's neck.

This time he needed to control himself for a whole different reason than his instincts to kill running rampant. He needed to stop this right here and now or he wouldn't be able to pull back.

And while the thought of forgetting all of his emotional problems and just having awesome sex with Tony sounded great he wasn't sure he would ever work up to confessing what he _had_ to tell him again. It might not look suuch a bad idea right now but Clint knew he would hate himself for it in the long run.

Clint knocked on the door despite the fact that he knew it was kind of pointless. JARVIS made sure to always let people know who was on the door and what they wanted. Though he had refrained from articulating exactly what Tony wanted to do when he came to Clint's door ever since Clint had threatened to destroy every single one of JARVIS cameras that he could find.

Tony opened the door with much enthusiasm and pulled Clint inside and into a kiss. He liked to do that and it had taken some time for Clint to get used to it and clamp down on his first instinct - which was to break Tony's neck.

This time he needed to control himself for a whole different reason than his instincts to kill running rampant. He needed to stop this right here and now or he wouldn't be able to pull back.

And while the thought of forgetting all of his emotional problems and just having awesome sex with Tony sounded great he wasn't sure he would ever work up to confessing what he _had_ to tell him. Forgetting might not look like such a bad idea right now but in the long run Clint would hate himself for it and even worse Tony probably would as well.

"Tony... Tony stop," was all he managed to get out between kisses.

It physically pained him to pull away from Tony but he managed and instead of pulling him closer like he longed to he carefully untangled himself from his lover and pushed him a step back.

"Tony... we need to talk."

Tony's face fell instantly and Clint would have done everything to stop the desolated look on his face but since he was the one who had put it there he didn't see much that he could do aside from just getting it over with.

"Please tell me you're not going to confess your feelings for me," Tony groaned, rubbing a hand across his eyes. "I've heard those four words far too often from women to associate them with anything else. But that isn't what you wanted to tell me, right? I assume it's Avenger's related business you want to be telling me about?"

Clint felt his heart break already when Tony rejected his feelings so carelessly and without effort. He had known that it would come like this but that hadn't stopped him from foolishly hoping.

Turning around Clint pretended he needed to check the door, as if the dark brown, sturdy doors that Stark had installed on his floor would do anything other than close perfectly and keep everyone out who wasn't wanted here. That description would probably soon include Clint. That thought hurt more than it should.

When he faced Tony again Clint could read the realization about how right he had been dawn on the engineers face. Realization wasn't the only thing surfacing on Tony's face it was dread as well and Clint's heart broke all over again.

"Oh Clint. Clint! We had a deal!"

Clint gulped and focused on the view of New York he could glimpse over Tony's shoulder. Maybe this would be easier if he managed to concentrate on something that wasn't Tony.

"That's why I'm telling you. I was never going to lie to you Tony. Not about something like this. It's something I do to marks, not to my family!"

Tony sighed and rubbed a hand across his face before turning away from Clint and walking towards his big and plushy sofa. As Clint watched Tony sprawl out on it it was hard not to remember all the things the two of them had done on it. Man, Clint would never be able to sit on this couch again without blushing.

"Okay. So you've told me. Only question is: What am I supposed to make out of it? Well I guess that means the arrangement is off. Shame, you were pretty good in bed Clint."

That brought Clint into action and he hurried towards Tony, his footsteps sounding clipped and hasty on the wooden floor.

"No," he shook his head vehemently as he stood in front of Tony. Clint knew he probably sounded a bit mad right now but he was desperate. He couldn't let things end like this. He knew it was foolish but he couldn't loose Tony, even if it meant hurting his own feelings.

Well, no one had ever accused him of being anything but self-destructive. This would only be a new things on a long list of very, very stupid decisions.

“Clint,” Tony sounded a lot softer and more worried than Tony Stark had any right to be. He was a slick bastard and certainly not someone who would coddle other people. Especially not Clint who found being coddled as enjoyable as a bullet in the thigh.

“I know what you're thinking Tony and I can tell you right now to quit the bullshit about not wanting to hurt my feelings. I'm a grown-ass man and I know what I want. What I want right now is to fuck you into your mattress. I told you about my feelings because I don't lie to my teammates.”

Clint hadn't realized that he had stepped into Tony's personal space until he stopped ranting and stared down on the other man.

His breath was coming in shallow heaves and he had his fists clenched at his side, unable to relax. Clint knew the minute he had spoken that his words had been a lie but he wasn't going to take them back now. Retroactively telling the truth had never done him any good.

“Whatever you say Katniss. But things haven't changed, this is simply for pleasure and I don't return your feelings. If you want this to continue you have to promise me that there won't be any love declarations and no jealousy. Normally I'd be running in the other direction screaming right about now but I trust you Clint.”

Clint nodded and without further hesitation – completely ignoring the voice in the back of his head screaming at him that he was betraying Tony's trust – he leaned forward and kisses Tony, glad that he had given him a second chance.

**~*~**

Much later when he was laying alone in his bed he wished Tony would have told him it was over. He didn't have the strength to let one of the only good things that he had go without a fight.

Not even when all he had wanted Tony all throughout their lovem... their fucking was to say how much he loved him.

**~*~**

Clint had given things with Tony at least a couple of month to go south but someone seemed to want him to be miserable because it didn't even take a week for everything to blow up in his face.

Of course Clint had known that Tony was going to go and see other people. He had done so during the whole time of their arrangement. It had never been exclusive and until now he had been fine with it. While a part of him hoped that Tony would stop to not hurt him the bigger part of him was glad he didn't.

There was no reason for Tony to give him false hope and in a way Tony was respecting Clint, his emotions and decisions far more picking up other people than he would have any other way. Clint had said he was fine with things staying the way they were and Tony trusted him to know what was right for himself.

Both of them probably knew that it was utter bullshit and that Clint didn't actually have a clue what was best for himself but hey, it was nice that Tony was humoring him!

The fateful day that it all came crashing down Tony had announced that he had a party to attend and Clint – obsessed spy that he was – didn't see any problem in following him. Just to make sure Tony was okay of course.

He knew that this was utter bullshit but he clung to the explanation anyway. Otherwise he would have to admit that he was turning into a creepy, masochistic stalker.

It wasn't like he was going to do anything, he was just going to watch. They watched each other's backs all the time and Clint had even followed Tony to a few parties before. Everyone knew that Tony was Iron Man and after the Battle of New York he had become even more popular and through that even more of a target.

Though all the other times he had followed Tony it had been on official SHIELD business and Tony had agreed to it, a fact Clint conveniently decided to forget.

Tony ended up leaving the party with a pretty blonde lady on his arm, not even slightly intoxicated so Clint couldn't tell himself that he was only sleeping with her because he was drunk.

Clint hadn't even realized that he had started to ready his bow while all the best ways to get rid of the woman ran through his head. He was focusing on her neck, her eyes, her heart – hidden behind a definitely flake cleavage when his phone rang.

Clint lowered his bow but never took his eyes of the woman, tracking her every movement. He wouldn't need more than a second to make the shot.

He answered the call without a glance at the Caller ID. This number was only known to the Avengers and if someone else had gotten their hand on it he should probably get that call anyway, those crazy villains could be pissy when you didn't answer the phone.

“Yeah?” he drawled, his eyes still fixed on the woman next to Tony.

“I think this is quite enough stalking, don't you think Barton?”

Hearing Tony's voice come from his phone was like a punch to the gut. For a moment Clint felt disoriented and while there was only a minimal resemblance to what he had felt when Loki had taken over his mind it was enough to make his heart speed up in panic.

“Tony,” he sounded as shocked as he felt while Tony's voice radiated utter calm.

“I hope you're never this clumsy on a mission.”

“Tony,” Clint was stuck on his name, not able to formulate a clear response. His head was muddy and filled with jealousy, not something he had thought he was going to feel but that didn't make it any more pleasant.

It was like something had possessed his mind all over again but this time instead of blue frost it was a black cloud, heavy and making him feel like a stranger in his own head, unable to understand what he was doing.

“Go home, Clint.”

Tony ended the call, his voice sounding sad and lonely. Clint couldn't help but stare at the phone in his hand like it was holding all the answers. Of course it gave up nothing but Clint kept staring at it anyway, unable to pull himself away from the numbness that was spreading inside of him.

When he finally looked back up Tony and the woman were long gone.

There was no doubt in Clint's mind that if Tony hadn't called him he would have taken the shot.

For a moment it was as if the world was tilting and then the numbness gave way to nausea and disgust. It took only a few minutes for Clint to empty his stomach onto the roof.

After he wished he could cry but the tears never came.

**~*~**

Clint was sitting on the roof of the Avengers' Tower, his eyes focused on the skyline of New York. Despite the city's best efforts there were still many parts of New York that were damaged. Empty skyscrapers were a painful reminders of all the things lost when their lights stayed off at night.

It were moments like this that Clint wondered why the Avengers had taken him in. Sure he had helped win the battle but they would have managed without him and more importantly had he been the one who started this whole mess in the first place and there was never a day that he didn't hate himself for his involvement with Loki. Involuntarily as it had been.

Clint was taken out of his dark thoughts by Tony who dropped down on the ledge next to him. Both their feet dangled over the edge and not for the first time Clint wondered how it would feel to just let himself fall. He didn't want to kill himself, he just liked the feeling of a free fall.

The wind blowing past his ears and taking away all his worries as he gave himself up to good luck and whatever Gods may be out there.

He needed to ask Jarvis to dismantle the security long enough for him to try jumping from the roof with the new gear that he had seen SHIELD develop, he was sure Natasha would love to join him.

He and Tony sat next to each other silently, both of them staring of into the night. There was so much unsaid but Clint had no idea where to start or how to say the words. It seemed Tony didn't either.

“I'm sorry.”

Clint finally whispered, hoping it conveyed all the things that he wanted to say to Tony but for some reason couldn't. The fact that he wanted Tony to be happy but that there was a part of him that wanted Tony to belong only to him. That he had never meant to break their agreement. That he just wished he could make things right. That he had never wanted to fall in love with Tony. That he missed him and that he was truly sorry for all the bad things he had brought into his life.

“Yeah, so am I.”

Clint hoped that the understanding and forgiveness he heard in those few words weren't only a figment of his imagination.


End file.
